Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Baby Making and Lost?

No posts for a while, I have been just marinating in my own juices for a little bit. Certain revelations in my family have pushed new motivations to the forefront. It's time to make a baby, not that we haven't been trying to make a baby for some time, but I don't know if I was fully on board until about a week ago. We got some news from friends and it really pushed the issue front and center. I have spent the good portion of my life not wanting the little buggers, but now all of a sudden it hit me, what if I can't? Which then, pissed me off, don't tell me what I can't do! It feels like lately I am getting the, you can't do this vibe from the world. Potentially it's making my eye twitch and my stomach churn, but, I guess this is what life is.

I am making conscious efforts to try and straighten out physical and mental conditions, so I hope it works. I am going to be 33 shortly and coming in to my Jesus years is making me very introspective about my life, what I have done, what I could do, who I will become now. If anything has become overly evident is that change is inevitable and it's happening all the time. I want to change, who I am, what people think of me, what I think of me. I know people say just do it, but we all know it's not that easy.

I need to make a baby, I need to write my stories, I need to grow up. It's extremely difficult for me to come out of my comfort zone and at times it limits my progression as a human being -- potentially. I have cut back on caffeine, sugar, and indo. I am trying to get my body back into working condition, so I can give us the best chance for a rug rat. Now that I feel like I can't have one, I want one. This is retarded motivation but motivation none the less.

When I get stressed about things, I obsess about minutia to a panic inflicting extent. I have cancer, aids, an undiscovered conjoined twin living in my balls, stopping my sperm production, eventually leading to full amputation of my testicles. Seriously though, this is what will run through my mind when my hard drive is full of nonsense. I know, I can only do what I can do, but time is becoming, of the essence.

I need to calm down, take my vitamins, heal my body, heal my mind and do the things that I fear, because ultimately I feel, that is what's holding me back. Fear of fatherhood, fear of responsibility, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of fear. Sad and pathetic but I probably am not the only one with ridiculous fears.

I can't wait for Lost, it is one of the few things I am not afraid of right now. "The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham" Wednesday night is so close, YEAH! Lost!!!


drollgirl said...

you can do it!!! you are on your way!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...love Maegan said...

um, an undiscovered conjoined twin?!?!?!?!? in your balls?!?!?!?!?

I am dying!!!!

I love you so much. We're gonna make the best baby ever!

~alison said...

Yay! This is good news! And the conjoined twin in your balls...killing me!!!