Wednesday, August 20, 2008


How long do you keep fighting the signs you see. I have been seeing them a lot lately but have been trying as hard as I can to ignore them. My career is volatile to say the least and really, just about every day something kicks me in the balls. I sleep bad because of it and am constantly waiting for a piano to fall out of the sky and crush me. So much so that I wear a helmet to work. I love my father he is my pa pa but at some point I must look at the obvious. I worry about profit loss, robbery's, raids, the city planning commission. This was not what I had hoped for in a career and to be frank I think at times it attacks my creative flow. I am to scared to break away from the money and thus continue down a path littered with road signs that say "Get the Hell off - NOW! - RIGHT HERE!" but I watch those signs in my rear view as I drive past. Everything I do in my current world is unrewarding, even if my businesses make money the next day the air conditioner goes down, or I am robbed or my Father is having a shitty day or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Every time I don't think anything worse can happen it does. I got my father involved in a real estate deal a couple of years ago and now he is going to lose his investment because of the market. I was burglarized last Thursday I haven't even finished the repairs on my shop then this morning I get a call about how stupid I am for bringing the investment to him. And he's right. Why do I try to play a game I don't want to play and one I am particularly not a game I am particularly good at. No offense to my Papa but everything we get involved with together is a shit storm. Not his fault it is just the facts, all I can think of is are these signs. The answer is clear -- Yes. I'm just in denial and I don't want to see the truth. It is smacking me in the face every day though it seems. At some point I need to make a stand for myself and believe in myself. I need to have a plan with a timeline. I need to believe in a future without the added pressure of the things that I am involved with. I feel bad all the time about my job I am the bearer of bad news, and it is taking it's toll. Things have to change.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

How human of you.

I appreciate your words.