Tuesday, July 1, 2008

End of the World as We know it?


It's July 1st and all things that could be wrong are so. I don't know where to begin so let's start wherever and I will work my through it enjoy the ride. My Grandmother who was pretty much my mother is dying and it's not pretty. Her system is failing and shutting down all this would almost be tolerable if she was not showing signs of dementia. At this point I have heard her several times go off the deep end and as far as I have heard it is getting progressively worse. She always had her mind, she was always engaging and quick witted surprisingly aware and now that is leaving like her bodily health. I am scared of how I will feel when she dies because as the time gets closer I feel myself getting sadder. On top of that my Father is taking it the worst, which in turn is affecting me as well. Our businesses together are doing sub par and are depleting our family funds to almost nothing. So the death of my Grandma is not going to help my fathers effectiveness in helping me to achieve our goals in this venture. I can see his fear as well and it becomes a window to a future I am running towards and doing nothing to prevent. Which puts me in great fear of what will become of me.

My dog Bebop, both his knees and his hips need to be operated on and it breaks my heart every time I watch him. It makes me so sad. My wife is bored and needs something to get her going and I am not sure what that is. Maybe a house, but that is money and where is it coming from. I am payed well now but what does the future hold, in all estimations it is not looking like more of the same it looks worse. I am having trouble keeping my head up and I feel like everyone is looking to me to save this sinking ship. I don't know what to do. It seems I want to sleep and listen to the incessant chatter that echoes through my mind. I know the path I am on leads to nowhere yet I cannot alter my course.

My dreams are dying, my confidence at times dwindling, what will become of me. I have been beaten down and am finding it harder and harder to get up off the mat. I can feel the pressure and do everything I can to keep it under control but it is a harder and harder task to achieve each day. I have given up on the inside and cannot forgive myself for it. I am at a loss and do not know what do. All is sad around me and I cannot make it better because all is sad inside me(wow that was dramatic).

I know what to do but just don't do it. I have only a coupe of shots left, and my strength at this particular moment is weakening on an almost hourly basis. People are looking to me for answers and I have none. I don't know how to make my father feel better, I do not know how to make more money, and at this time I don't know how to make anybody happy including myself.

I can tell my wife is in the same place, but I try not to show I am right there with her, a faux attempt to look strong when I am not. I mirror her feelings but to not look like a loser I hide them inside. Maybe I am a loser and to say my fears out loud would only confirm these thoughts. Where am I going, how will I get there. I have read to many philosophy books, watched to many documentaries I have the information.

Why is life not easy, it seems like it should be. At this point it seems all that is left is tragedy and old age. I need some help, I need energy to fight but every one is tapped out. I must rise above the ashes but the heat is hot and my wings burned and sweaty. And even if all the things were right for me what of the state of the world. It seems to mimic my being, deflated, lost and at times hopeless.

I am sure this is just a phase but if something is not done it will be what it be. I feel like crying, for everything in a hope to feel better, but it won't let me. On the verge is where it is keeping me, teetering between reality and breakdown, a shadow. What is my story? Is it over or just the beginning of the end or... Just the beginning.


~ alison said...

This breaks my heart for you.

...love Maegan said...

so sad. Sorry to add unintended pressure baby. I love you.

Natalie said...

The process of one door closing and another one opening can be hard to cope with, especially if you do not know where the the key is to the new door. Phases in life come and go but our true character stays with us. Mr. Evil Peppers you can lean on me in between door openings!!! You did this for me, I would like to return the unknowing favor Brotherson.